My beautiful boy

We've started taking Cameron up to a child psychologist in Portland. We've only been a few times, and I'm not sure it's the answer to his problems, but we're doing it. Cameron's a difficult kid to raise. He's incredibly intelligent, observative, and independent. He's also incredibly moody, spastic, and unpredictable. My one word to describe him? Exhausting.

Ever since preschool, we've known he hated performances - any time he had to get in front of a group turned into an embarrassing disaster. At his 2nd birthday party, he got so upset when we all sang "Happy Birthday" to him he wouldn't open his presents. Since starting kindergarten this year we've seen it more often, because with the start of elementary school also comes the start of organized sports teams - soccer, t-ball, etc. It also comes with school performances that are not optional. These situations cause an internal battle in Cameron that we just haven't found a way to handle. He wants to go so badly, but as soon as we're there he doesn't want to be there. If he gets tagged out in a game, I'm so tense thinking, "Oh, God, how bad is this going to be? How embarrassing of a tantrum is this going to cause?" Why oh why can't my child just be like all the other children who just simply run back to the other players and sit down?

He puts huge, major pressure on himself. I have so many feelings about that as a mom - did I do that to him? Do I somehow put tons of pressure on him without realizing what I'm doing? Even now, when I reflect on it, I don't think I do - but I still waver. Maybe I've forgotten about some horrible incident that didn't register to me, but topped the Richter scale for him back when he was two... who knows? I'm sure it's a similar guilt feeling that many mothers of children with "special needs" have.

Anyway, even though I approached his teacher about it at the beginning of the year, even though I am there volunteering every week in his classroom, even though I have always bent over backwards to make myself excessively approachable as a parent of a difficult to teach child - I was still not prepared when Cameron's kindergarten teacher asked if I'd considered having him evaluated for a possible anxiety disorder.

Not the kind of suggestion that should be given on a whim, when you're just dropping off your child at school one morning. Even though, as a mother, you may have your suspicions that somethings a little off - that maybe this is going to be a battle for him, to hear someone else confirm that suspicion is still a blow to the stomach. It's still something that I hurried home to cry a few private tears over the loss of my dreams for a perfect childhood for my son.

It's not a life or death situation - certainly not the worst news any parent has ever received by a looooooooong shot. But when I tell you I've made the appointment next week that YOU suggested and ask YOUR input on his school behavior - follow through and either call me on the phone about it, or write it up. Don't unload all my son's negative aspects 10 minutes before the bell rings at school the day I'm leaving for the appointment while all the other kindergartners run circles around us - including the one we're speaking about. Tears leaked out of my eyes all day long - not a day I wanted to be emotional about it, either. It would have been nice to receive that information in private.

How many times have I been on the other end of this conversation as a 1st grade teacher? Many. I like to think that I was more sensitive when I had to give this news to another parent. I hope I was. But I know for sure that when and if I am ever a teacher again, I'll be coming at this situation from an entirely different perspective. A perspective that can only be gained from being on the receiving end.