The Lesson

I was 9 days late.  And freaking out.  

Here's my story - Christmas Eve 2000, I broke my foot.  That resulted in 6 weeks of no weight bearing, so I had to use crutches/wheelchair.  That resulted in a very very very scary DVT (life threatening blood clot) that put me in the hospital for 5 days.  And that resulted in the fact that doctors wouldn't let me use birth control pills anymore.  Luckily, I got better and we were ready to start our family the following summer anyway.  

In between Cameron and Tyler wasn't too stressful, we knew we wanted at least 2 kids so if it happened accidentally, no biggie.  After Tyler I got an IUD.... and Elie made her way through that, I'm so thankful that she did.

Now that I can't take birth control pills and I don't trust an IUD - we had only a couple options left, and they aren't the "most reliable".  I wasn't mentally ready to make anything permanent, though - and I really wanted to wait until I was so I wouldn't ever have any regrets.

I've spent the last week terrified, beyond stressed, emotional, preoccupied to the point of ineffectiveness, sad, guilty, worried, and sleepless.  I got up Tuesday at 4 in the morning (actually I hadn't really slept yet) and drove to Safeway to buy a pregnancy test.  When it said negative at least I felt enough relief for a couple hours of sleep.  But I got a negative result the first time I took a test when I was pregnant with Cameron so I was still afraid.  I've never been that late without being pregnant - ever.

I prayed like I've never prayed before - except maybe when I was trying to get pregnant 9 years ago.  I bought prenatal vitamins and started taking them.  I started eating better and exercising to help my body cope better.  I'd think about how old Elie would be when this possible baby was born (almost 5) and then I'd start to cry again.  All I could think about was what this would take away from my other 3 children - my time especially.  I tried to remind myself of all the wonderful things about babies - but my mind wouldn't even go there.  

They say there is a lesson in every experience, right?  I got this one.  I'm 100% not pregnant now, and my mind is 100% certain that I'm ready to make that permanent.  I actually needed this experience to know for sure.  Even within one hour of finding out that I'm not pregnant, my mind was already trying to convince me that maybe I should wait to make it permanent.... just in case.  If I hadn't known what my real reaction to that circumstance was (not an imagined reaction) I might listen to it.  But I do know now, and thank God for that certainty.  So Ronny has an appointment to make.  And I'm not letting him close to me until then!!!